Thursday, 09 July 2009

• hunger

  The past two weeks, my apartment has had the worst internet connection in the history of the world.  If you listen closely, you can hear the faint sound of archaic telephone models beeping, whirring, and rejoicing.  Today, after much prayer and a desperate deadline of mine, the internet has worked for nearly four hours--a record time.  So right now, I'm going to give you a crash course on all the things that have been going through my head this past week so you xanga stalkers (just kidding) can get an update.
  

  My life apparently revolves around the internet.  I already knew this, but I didn't like that my connection (harhar) was tested.  Checking all the necessary stuff (like my supervisors' tons of emails a week) during class and when on campus has been hell.
  

  I had my midterm performance review in practicum today.  I thought it was going to be a stellar review, since all I've gotten so far is compliments, "amazing!"s, "incredible!", and some minor things to work on.  This morning I felt like I got beat over the head with constructive criticism.  She said, "You shouldn't have had to ask me so many questions.  You could have figured it out by looking through your binder...You need to be more professional about planning...etc."  I was really hurt by the professionalism comment because in previous sites, I've gotten huge praises for my professionalism.  Another reason I thought that my review would go very well is because I've been showing up to practicum early and leaving late, so that I can review and get a lot of work done.  I know that a lot of what she said was good constructive criticism, and she is totally right to "prepare me for the real world," but I just felt so taken aback and offended by all of these comments thrown in at once.  It was tastefully given with praise, too, but I just felt so inadequate and disappointed in myself.  Speech therapy is what I love and my skills and my patients have been huge factors in what keeps me going, but for the first time I thought, what the hell am I doing?!  We just started picking up the speed in responsibilities, and I was feeling overwhelmed already!  Anyway, I'm just going to stop there.  Let's just say that today was horrible and all the things she said before therapy started left me terrified and deeply depressed all day.
  

  I've been so tired for a long time now.  I am getting more sleep now at my apartment, but I guess it isn't enough.  Maybe my new bed it just too darn comfortable and my body just never wants to wake up.
  

  My finals are next week.  I totally thought that they were in two weeks.  Can you say FREAK OUT?!  I usually take off work the week of finals, but since it's already next week I feel like a jerk, taking myself off the schedule so late.
  

  This past weekend with friends was really great.  We had so many people going to Austin I thought it would be stressful, but it really wasn't (as much)!  I did get a little stressed because I was one of the main drivers and a lot of the places we went to I had never been to and my navigators had never been to.  But I had fun and made nice memories.
  

  One sorry truth that I learned last weekend was that the tiniest bit of sadness weighing upon my mind results in my inability to drink responsibly.  This is the second time this has happened, I am sad to say.  )At least that I was around all the people I feel safe with.  That is very important.)  I think I am the only one I know that gets this terribly ashamed of getting drunk.  (Not for you to be TOO alarmed---I am nowhere near an alcoholic.)  Maybe it helps that I never forget a thing that happened and I am always coherent.  Let's not do that ever again.  Know sadness, no alcohol.  New motto.
  

  The remainder of my best girl friends are leaving, and it's got me missing them already.  Joanne and Kat are moving to Austin and Sophia is moving to College Station for med school.  Joanne and Sophia are my Bible study girls, too, so I will miss them all the more.  What will I do without them?  Close friendships maintained over long distances are never as close as you want them to be.  (Hope that made sense to you.)
  

      
  

  • 11:11 PM
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